Why Should She Change For You When She Changed Because Of You

There is an enormous difference between the type of women most men want and the type of woman most women are. Truth is, relationships are becoming much harder to sustain because more often than not, men don’t like the attitude, thinking and actions of the woman they’re dealing with. Counseling dozens of men, I often hear about the struggles these men go through in their relationships and their dissatisfaction with things their women do and every time they are brought up, I ask the men one question: Why do you think she is like that?

We want women to change to accommodate our feelings when often times the reason they became the way they are is because we didn’t accommodate theirs. I had a brother talk to me about how his girlfriend didn’t trust him and the EXTREME measures she went through to make sure he was being faithful. The things she was doing were radical and definitely too much; so when he finally finished with his long list of things he didn’t like, I asked him if he ever got caught cheating and his response was yes.

My reply to that was, “Well YOU created this monster.” As men we have to own up to the negative things that we have done to our women which are the direct cause of their behavior that is unseemly to us. Even if you weren’t the man that did it to her, you still have to own up to it because it was done by a man.

Even if you weren’t the one that cheated on her, if she was cheated on before, she has the right to start a relationship with you without having total trust. I hate to compare men to dogs but if you were bit by a dog you’re not going to see a pit bull on the loose and think “That’s not the dog that bit me, he might not be like the other dog.” When you see it, you are going to stay away from it. Why should women approach dealing with us any different?

We want women to trust us, submit to us, depend on us and put us on pedestals after we’ve been untrustworthy, abusive with authority, undependable and treated them like servants. I’m sorry brothers but that just doesn’t make sense. We can’t keep expecting women to be victims of our self pleasing ways that take no thought on how we affect them.

Let me break a few things down and make my point clear.

One thing I hear men complain about is the child support system. Personally, I think it’s an unfair system for the men in most cases but the question is why was it instituted in the first place? It was instituted because MEN were having children and acting like they didn’t exist. So because of the negligence on our part, the government had to step in, take money directly out our checks, all because we weren’t doing what we were supposed to in the first place. If men never start being deadbeats fathers, child support would have never existed.

Another thing I always hear complained about is women wanting to be independent. Personally, I think a man and woman should be interdependent of each other but the question is why do women act like they don’t need a man? Women feel like they don’t need a man because they’ve had to live their whole life without one. There was a time where the man was the sole provider of a household. What happened? MEN started treating the women like their child and not their partner, rationing them a child’s allowance and even worse, WE began to walk away from them, get a new woman and leave them to fend for themselves.

How are they supposed to act if daddy wasn’t there, grand daddy wasn’t there and so on and so on. Of course they will develop a nature of self preservation because if they continued to wait on us, they would be extinct. The independent woman was created by the undependable man.

Let’s go a little further. Men are tired of women not submitting and following their lead. Personally, I believe the man is the leader and the woman should follow him but the question is why don’t women want to follow men? They don’t want to follow us because majority of us aren’t going anywhere. How can you be the “king of the castle” if you don’t know how to govern your kingdom?

In so many relationships the woman has to be on top of every little detail while the man says things like “She handles all that stuff.” If she handles all the details that keep your lives running smooth then she’s the one leading. How can we expect a woman to follow us if at any moment she stops taking the initiative to do things we might be sitting in the house in the dark because we forgot to pay the bill? The un-submitting woman was created by the visionless man that doesn’t know how execute the things that need to be done.

I could go on forever but I’ll just give one more. Men HATE when women have nasty, defensive attitudes. Now of course, no one should have a nasty, defensive attitude at all times but again, the question is, why are women like this? If you’ve ever watched a boxing match, when the boxers come out they always have the nastiest look on their faces and they’re ready to go on the offence and defense because it’s time to fight. The reason women can come off as nasty and defensive is because they are fighters. They had to fight through all our bullsh*t while keeping and smile on their face for the world and even at home for their children.

Of course they can be mean and nasty when every day they have to fight for our respect, for our time, for our loyalty, for equality, for our attention and every other thing a woman needs from a man. If you had to fight every day like they do, you’d have an attitude too. These attitudes from women are all born out of us neglecting them in one area or another.

If these things I have written are true, why should a woman change for you? Why should she put herself in a vulnerable position and trust that you won’t allow her to get hurt? It doesn’t make a bit of sense for the person whom was hurt to subject themselves to the possibility of being hurt again without some sort of assurance. It doesn’t matter how irritating some of the things we have to deal with are, if we want our women to change, we have to show them it’s safe for them to do so.

So what is my basis for all of this? Men, my brothers, we have to fess up to how we’ve broken our women down in order for any healing to take place. I know they do things to break us down too; I wrote a book about it but this is not about what they may do wrong, it’s about what we have historically done wrong. If we want our women to be better for us, we must first be better for them.

It might not seem fair when we meet a woman and have to deal with the pains she’s bringing from a previous relationship but what is she supposed to do, just act like those things never happened? The world always talks about the walls some women put up to protect themselves. I suppose to you that women don’t build those walls, men do. With every foul thing we do, we’re laying a brick of separation. Since we built the walls, we have to take them down?

How do we take them down? CONSISTENCY!!!!

The brother I talked about in the beginning told me that he was unfaithful for two years then says “but she should be over it because he was faithful for six months.” I told him that before he should even think about her trusting him, he had to at least be faithful the same amount of time he was unfaithful and even if it takes longer, he has to deal with it because he created the problem.

As men we have this idea that we don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone but the truth is, we have to prove ourselves to everyone. We especially have to prove ourselves to the woman we love or the woman we’re trying to get to know. The only way to get a woman to get rid of certain behaviors is to show her she no longer needs them. So the next time you want a woman to change how she is for you, ask yourself if the reason she is how she is, is because of you or a man like you.

There needs to be healing in our relationships. We need our men to know how to be the man a woman needs and women to know how to be the woman a man needs. These two books help in both areas. One geared more to helping men and the other to women.