As I approach this topic I want to first say that I am not about say any of the things I’m going to say from a high horse as if I have never cheated and condoned cheating. In fact, in the past, cheating was such the norm that I would do it without even thinking “I’m cheating on my girl right now.” It was and still is engrained so deep in our culture that it becomes second nature for many men.

This is what I want to address: THE CULTURE! For the most part, people are always going to be a reflection of their culture, whether good or bad. There will always be anomalies but majority of the people will follow the social norms they see every day. In the Black community, this has become particularly dangerous because many of our social norms prevent us from growing as a race.

This is why the scene with Papoose and Joe Budden gave me goose bumps. It was refreshing and much needed to see how a Black man is supposed to check his friends. It wasn’t done disrespectfully, it didn’t cause any friction between the two, it was simply a “Bro I gotta be real with you” moment.

If you don’t watch Love & Hip Hop let me give you a quick review of what I’m talking about. Some time ago Joe Budden proposed to Cyn Santana. (I know some of my pro Black followers are going to take issue with her ethnicity but PLEASE just take the principle from this.) After the engagement, Cyn found some things in Joe’s phone that she didn’t like and Cyn moved out. As the men came together at a pool hall they began to discuss Cyn and Joe’s relationship woes and like most men when we’re caught up to no good, we blame the woman.

Immediately after Joe tries to put the blame on Cyn, Papoose says “One of the things I’m noticing, is you’re not acknowledging that you was wrong for having that in your phone.” He goes on to say a lot more but the jist of it, is he was holding his brother accountable for how HE created the problem that had caused his relationship to stumble.

I believe this is something we need to celebrate, promote and normalize. As Black men, we cannot continue to follow this culture of cheating that causes our women to be bitter, (see my last post) causes them to build walls because they don’t trust us and creates single motherhood. I do a lot of work in the prisons with the youth and literally 82% of the young men incarcerated grew up in a single parent household lead by a mother.

You see this thing is bigger than just getting some good sex from a woman that turns you on, this is about the men in our communities allowing behaviors that negatively affect us to go unchecked. Yes I started off talking about cheating but this is much bigger than that. We have to make it a habit of telling our homies when they’re doing something wrong as opposed to letting them do it then feeling bad for them when they face the consequences.

I see “FREE so n so” on my Tl daily. Now I’m not saying I don’t want to see brothers come home, I’m saying a man should have checked them before they did whatever they did to end up in jail. We have to develop a code of ethics in our communities. We cannot continue to allow anything to go on in our neighborhoods.

When we have this code, it is easy to bring brothers back off the ledge without it being confrontational. In my men’s group we have an 8 principle code of ethics. Principle #2 is always be faithful to our women and family. When we’re out and a brother who is in a relationship is looking at a woman’s butt, you’ll here another brother yell “PRINCIPLE NUMNER TWO.” The man will instantly know he’s being held accountable and will turn his head.

Honestly, that started as a joke but it became a way of life for us. We agreed on these principles so we hold each other to them. To my brothers, it is time for us to live by a code other than the street code. We need to live by a code where we will do our best to refrain from behaviors that negatively impact our community but it can’t stop with us, we MUST check other men when their behaviors are negative as well.

For an ethical guide on Manhood, pick a copy of The 6 A’s of Manhood.