When I first heard the new Jhene Aiko song “Triggered,” I was triggered but not in a negative way. It took me back to a conversation I had with a man I was counseling. He was upset with the way his girlfriend was treating him and he kept talking about how bitter she was. After about the 5^th or 6^th time he called her bitter, I asked him “what did you do to make her bitter?”

He responded with a whole list of things he did to her and I couldn’t do anything but laugh. I’m like bro, you created this monster. Her feelings are a direct result of your behavior and if you want her to act differently, you’re going to have to spend as much time and maybe more doing her right than you did doing her wrong before you can complain about her at all.

(Now if you think this is about to be a man bashing think piece, you have come to the wrong place. I only used that example for people to be able to visualize the larger topic we’re about to discuss.)

In my example, the man knew why the woman was bitter but in Jhene Aiko’s song, she knew exactly why she was bitter and proclaimed “You M F’ing right I’m bitter” as if her being bitter was ok. Some of you may say “Did you hear everything she said he did? She has a right to be bitter.” To that I ask, what does being bitter do for her?

We have found ourselves in a world where we can know our triggers, know what makes us feel bitter and instead of trying to heal, we wear our hurt like a badge of honor. In the song it appears that Jhene is singing to the man that hurt her, letting him know that hearing his name triggers her, that she’s bitter and that because of that bitterness, she might do something to him.

Now in no way am I saying I don’t understand how someone who has been hurt would want to do something to the person that hurt them. Trust me I understand. What I’m trying to get at is us fully understanding what is going on within ourselves and choosing to operate in our hurt instead of trying to heal. It seems that in our community, making the person who hurt you hurt also is more important than healing.

Is this you?

Are you as triggered as Jhene to the point where you are more concerned with revenge than healing your own wounds?

Is this you?

Are you as bitter as Jhene and can fully articulate everything that bothers you and everything you will do to the person because of what they did but you can’t articulate how to heal?

I’ve been hurt many times in life before and there have been times when I enacted revenge but I promise you this, when the rush from the revenge is gone, the pain from the hurt is still present. Sometimes it becomes worst because you realize you put all this energy into hurting them and it didn’t stop your hurt one bit. If you are as triggered and bitter as Jhene Aiko, for the sake of your own peace and sanity, commit to healing before you commit to revenge.